For The First Time
by Carla McQueen
Summary: When L brings Misa to Wammy’s after winning the Kira case, Matt doesn’t seem to like her. Misa tries to change that. Linda discovers that Matt is depressed to the point he might be suicidal and tries to help. Will feelings get they all cornered?
1. Like Sapphire

**Disclaimer**: Death Note is Tsugumi Ohba's and Takeshi Obata's genius work, obviously. Not mine.

**o0o**

**For The First Time**

**o0o**

**Like Sapphire**

Misa opened the window and placed her elbows on the sill, her chin on her fisted hands. She watched children flying the kite, running about and even simply lying on the trimmed lawn. She saw a girl painting near a tree, where beside her there was a white-haired boy sitting, watching everyone else quietly.

"You can go and join them, if you want to." L told from behind her.

Misa turned around and watched him. She had momentarily forgotten there was a constant typing sound that came from L's fingers, dancing on his laptop keyboard. "Why wouldn't Ryuzaki-san come down with Misa?" she suggested. "They are Ryuzaki-san's successors, they would be happy to see you, Misa thinks."

Their relationship – if there _was_ one – was rather hazy. Misa thought she had chosen L when she _betrayed_ Kira and presented all of her works to L. She thought she had fallen in love with Ryuzaki when she allowed him to bring Light to the penalty, but now that she thought about it again, _she didn't know_. L hadn't asked her to leave after everything was over, after they could both walk away and continue with whatever they were doing before Kira was ever there, but Misa had followed him here. England. She had left her career and took his hand when he offered it to her and she was here.

Intimately they had only gone as far as kissing. Awkwardly.

When Misa had made her decision, she kept repeating the line L said to her. "It's the right thing to do." She still couldn't believe it, sometimes, that she had actually _picked_ and was trying to move on. Was it really just because "It is the right thing to do."? There was no 'love story' for her in this choice she chose?

_She didn't know_.

From it Misa had nightmare – the same nightmare that would replay in her mind eyes at certain night in monochrome. She also didn't like to have time alone in her hands now. She had learned to bake really good cakes and make sweets – she spent times learning things that would please L, mostly. She lost herself in activities because if she had times, she would think about the person who she had betrayed. She would cry. Somehow she didn't like L see her cry. He would seem, almost sad – she didn't know if he really was, but she decided not to dwell on that thought.

"_Hypocrite_." Was the last word Light said to Misa, and she thought if that, that last word he had spat with sheer hatred and pure resent at her, was meant to hurt her, it _was_ doing its job impossibly effective. It _hurt_ because Misa knew Light was right. She began with symbolizing herself as everything that he needed to implement his mission yet in the end, she was everyone who turned away and the only one who turned him down. She didn't even know what it was for now.

"I suppose I could play football," L's answer came almost ten seconds after Misa's offer that she thought he wouldn't respond.

"Ryuzaki-san can play football?" Misa asked in pure surprise. As he stood from his chair, L threw her a sideway glance. Misa giggled. She thought he looked playfully offended. "Misa has seen Ryuzaki-san drive, so Misa shouldn't be too surprised, huh?" she teased.

"I want to see you as a goalkeeper." L decided, shoving a hand into his jeans pocket and raising another to nibble at the edge of his thumb.

Misa skipped to his side and they walked towards the door. "Eh…? But Misa wears skirt!" she gasped dramatically. "Ryuzaki-san is _such_ a pervert!"

**o0o**

"It's love, I tell you." Mello insisted. He, Matt, Near, Linda and Julie were sitting on the grass near Linda's drawing, which she had laid under the sun to dry.

"Maybe it was epiphany on her part." Near said, habitually twirling the curls of his silvery hair with his index finger. "She realized what she and Kira were doing was wrong, and she turned to L. L fixed things up, everything ended. Maybe it was like that and—"

"And L brings her here for a _vacation_ because they're _friends_?" Mello scoffed. "Get real."

"I think it was epiphany." Julie butted in confidently. When Mello opened his mouth with an expression of snarling the sunshine out of her life, she backpedaled, "That doesn't mean it couldn't turn into love."

"Yes," Linda agreed, beaming. "Maybe they will fall in love with one another."

"You'd want that." Matt muttered. Linda gave him a look and he coughed self-consciously. "I mean do you all really want L to date a model? Ex-Second Kira?" he queried, sounding almost challenging. When the rest of them looked at him intently, as if questioning what was wrong with him – considering he rarely was interested enough to discuss anything, much less caring about L dating a model – Matt lifted his shoulders in a lazy shrug. "Just asking."

Mello and Near seemed to be pondering the matter from every possible angle, A to Z, 1 to infinity.

Julie decided, "As long as L likes her."

"As long as she likes L." Linda alternated. "I mean she must like L, therefore she will be true to L."

"Go get laid, Virgin Mary." Matt breathed.

Linda threw him a paintbrush and Matt jerked back. "You're a toerag."

"Like you're so divine."

"You can sit elsewhere then!"

"It's a free country."

"Then if you blaspheme again I'm going to _paint_ your _mouth_—"

"Hi guys!" an unexpected cheerful voice interrupted them, and the rest of the group exhaled quietly in relief. The epic mouth-war between Matt and Linda could end for – ever. Roger will be more surprised to find them sitting together than finding Mello and Near sharing a chair.

Mello stopped mid-bite when he saw L and Misa approaching. Near's finger stopped swirling and they watched the couple walk towards them with scrutinizing gaze.

"The picture doesn't quite fit." Mello noted.

"L should straighten himself." Near suggested.

"Future governesses." Julie remarked just as Misa skipped to them.

She put her hands behind her and leaned forward with a bright smile. "Hello, could you introduce yourselves?" she inquired.

After a few blinks, Linda broke the ice. "I'm Linda, nice to meet you." she smiled, ignoring the blatant retching face Matt was making from beside Mello.

"Julie." Julie followed.

Mello quickly said when he saw Near open his mouth, "I'm Mello." a bit too politely that Matt almost quirked an eyebrow.

"Near." Near muttered.

All the while L watched how Misa nodded to each one of them and repeated their name to herself in a quiet whisper, as if she was trying to remember the script. "And you?" she pointed an index finger curiously, smiling at Matt.

Matt leaned against the tree behind him and scanned her. Up and down. He half-drawled, "Matt."

"Matt." Misa whispered. She smiled more and turned around to find L. She frowned faintly at his blank expression. "Misa thinks Matt-kun doesn't like Misa much." She reported.

L glanced inconspicuously at Matt. The goggled-boy looked away, as if noticing. "Matt doesn't really like models, truth be told." L returned.

"Why?" Misa's brown eyes shimmered anxiously. "He doesn't like sexy girls?"

L almost scoffed at how she sounded worry at that. "No, Misa. Matt's mother was a model. Let's say… she didn't leave good impression on him as a mother."

Misa's brow furrowed understandingly. "Oh." She nodded, her pony-tails bouncing along. She smiled more confidently. "Misa must show Matt-kun she is friendly, then."

"That you do." L agreed, failing to keep a smile at her concentrated, serious frown. He didn't know if she noticed, but one thing she brought to him was 'smile'. And if there was another thing, it was 'faces'.

Misa turned back to the group of geniuses. "L wants to play football!" She announced.

After a few blinks yet again, Mello smirked. "Bring it on." His smirk etched wider when L regarded him with a thumb in his mouth, looking almost amused.

Therefore they played football. Many of the other children joined them – and though Misa managed to escape from being a goalkeeper, she made a good cheerleader.

As she watched from the side, Misa had to smile at how the children moaned and cheered when L bragged them his skills. She even found herself cheering for him until she was breathless, and silently she wondered why she couldn't love him. Beneath his expressionless mask, L was considerably a nice person. He was a man as smart as Light, it was safe to assume. He wasn't exactly disgusting, as Misa had earlier accused him to be – he was as clean as her, she had come to be sure of that. He wasn't – Misa considered as she tilted her head watching his sweating fair face, the strands of his jet-black hair sticking to his forehead – he wasn't actually _not_ good-looking. Most importantly he treated her nice.

Then why couldn't she love him?

Misa sighed, and that was when she caught Matt sitting under the same tree he had been when he was with the others before. She was sure he had joined them, but she didn't notice when he had stopped playing and returned to the tree. He had a gameboy in his hands and Linda who hadn't joined in, was working on another drawing near him. They were leaning against the same tree, slightly distanced from one another, but Misa thought they made a good picture.

Linda looked up when she heard rustles of movement. She peered around and saw Misa, and noticed that Matt seemed to be leaving because Misa was walking towards them. "You don't like her." she noted.

"Why does it matter to you?" Matt responded sharply, almost defensive.

Linda frowned, slightly taken aback. "It doesn't." she retorted.

"Good." He spat, stood and stalked away.

Misa reached the tree when Matt was out of earshot, and she folded her pleated skirt neatly as she knelt next to Linda. "Hey." She said, sitting and leaning her back against the spot that had been Matt's a second ago.

Linda smiled. "Hey."

"What are you drawing?" Misa asked, looking in. "A…uh,"

"Unicorn." Linda laughed.

Misa stuck an index finger out. "That was it!" she hummed complacently, nodding. "It's pretty." she told.

"It's just a sketch," Linda shrugged briefly, thumbing the drawing.

Out of the blue, Misa asked. "Matt doesn't like Misa, does he?"

"…I don't really know." Linda answered politely.

"It's okay." Misa assured, smiling. "L told Misa that Matt doesn't like models much. Because Matt's mother was one, and she wasn't very nice." She informed earnestly, nodding when Linda looked at her, seemingly surprised. "You didn't know?" Misa asked.

Linda blinked. She returned to her drawing. "He's not very communicative. Not to me, at least." She said, keeping her eyes on her unicorn.

Misa pursed her lips and watched the football match blindly, thinking.

**o0o**

"Matt's birthday?" L looked up, but Misa made him sit still while she toweled his drenched hair – it was L after shower, and Misa loved to wipe L's after-shower hair (as well as messing a _little_ with it; one time Misa had begged him to let her tie his hair. As a result Watari had laughed until he cried, seeing the many little tufts of hair sticking out on L's head, tied 'creatively' with many colorful hair-bands).

"Yes, Matt-kun's birthday." Misa confirmed. "Misa wants to know when it is."

L was silent for a moment. Then he guessed, adeptly, "Are you going to go and make him a surprise party in the hope of he will like you better?"

Misa blinked. She should've known he'd be able to smell it. "Ryuzaki-san should just pretend to not know…!" she complained, squeezing his head for good measure.

"Ouch… It was hard not to," he admitted. Misa smiled and kissed his head. Since it wasn't the first time, L didn't seem to give it any thought. "Matt's birthday has passed, anyway. It is on February 1, I reckon." He told.

Misa hummed. "Misa will think of other plan then. It doesn't really matter if Matt-kun doesn't like Misa. Misa just doesn't like to know he doesn't happy because Misa is around." She told.

L blinked. Before he could open his mouth to assure her that wasn't the case, he felt Misa kiss his head again and sniff. Frantically she squealed out,

"_Ah_!"

L blinked again. "…Ah?" that was the first time he felt so… lost, uttering the single syllable.

"Ryuzaki-san's head smells of watermelon!"

"…You picked the shampoo."

"Misa knows! Misa wanted strawberry! _Ooh_…!"

"……"

Roger's wonder hadn't been odd; L recalled how the caretaker had first expressed and summarized his thoughts on their 'relationship',

"_How_ a pair you two would make."

**o0o**

Linda rubbed the sleep from her eyes. If not for the toilet in the room she shared with Julie was _somehow_ stuck, she wouldn't have had to walk the entire way to the general bathroom. Since she was in a kind of 'emergency', she had to.

She had almost pushed the door open completely to trudge in, before her ear picked a sound. Being the nervous-of-ghosts person that she was, Linda shuddered as she felt the hair on the back of her neck stand. She thought it was a crying sound.

"My Lord." She squealed quietly, squeezing her eyes shut and almost turning to flee. Briefly she thought of how stupid she was for not banging at anyone's door even if it was farther than the general bathroom from her room, to borrow their toilet – forget their wrath at being waken in the middle of the night. She should have, considering going to the general toilet _alone_.

Then just before Linda turned, she saw Matt. She blinked incredulously and peered into the dim bathroom, almost squinting in the lack of light.

Leaning against the wall with his arms on his drawn-up knees, his head on them, it was unmistakably Matt.

"Matt?" she echoed tentatively.

He froze. The quiet crying which was definitely his, stopped. Abruptly he looked up.

Linda felt herself freeze even when she wasn't even moving yet.

Matt's eyes were beautiful.

She didn't know why, but he had never taken his goggles off in front of people – certainly not in front her, but right now, for the first time she saw him without them, his eyes were beautiful blue – like sapphire.

"What are you doing?" he hissed, pulling his right arm to himself.

Linda's eyes flickered to the small action and she gasped. "You—" her eyes widened at the penknife he was gripping in his left hand. The right hand which he had just pulled, apparently trying to hide it from her – was bleeding. There were a few cuts on his forearm and blood was dripping slowly, but ceaselessly from the fresh wounds. "You cut yourself!" she accused, and rushed in.

"Back off!" Matt warned.

Linda winced, stopping in her track. Matt tightened his grip on the penknife and kept his cold gaze on her, as if daring her to approach. "B-but you're… bleeding." She said lamely, frowning pleadingly at him. "Matt I'm just—"

"You don't see anything." he ordered, his voice dangerously quiet.

At that Linda shook her head. It was impossible for her to simply go to sleep and wake up as ignorant as she was after seeing _this_. "N-no. You need help—"

"I _don't_." Matt snapped. "I say you don't see anything—" his eyes shone. "And if you do," he mouthed quietly. Linda held her breath. "I will tell _everyone_ about your little crush on Near." He threatened, sounding meaning it.

Linda's eyes widened. "H-how – you hacked my computer?!" she figured indignantly; she only wrote diaries in her computer and it was the only explanation. Matt was the best virtual tech Wammy's had after all. When Linda looked at him again, Matt's smile was even more promising that Mello's when the blond was about to hit someone. "I can't believe you." she breathed, shaking her head.

"I was simply curious." Matt told as if it was nothing. "Now, you _don't_ see anything." he pressed, apparently determined on making sure of the matter.

"But I did! I _am_!" Linda insisted, bracing herself to stare into his sharp eyes. She took another step toward him. "Let _me_ help," she lowered her voice as she decided, waiting for his reaction. Matt didn't respond. She swallowed and gestured at his arm carefully. "I-I will bandage your wound and…" she seemed to be fighting an inner turmoil, before she finally sighed. "I wouldn't tell anyone." She assured softly, almost whispering. She remained eye contact, hoping Matt would agree. Believe it or not she was worried. As much as she disliked him no one could not have been worried at something like this – whatever it was.

For a long while, they were staring at one another without a word. Briefly Linda reflected how hurt his eyes looked. Maybe that was why he hid them.

Matt clenched his jaw at how worried Linda seemed. He hated it. It wasn't that she cared. He didn't believe it she cared, it must be only pity. He didn't _want_ pity. He didn't _need_ pity. She should just _leave_ _him_ _alone_.

"You don't see _anything_! Get out!!" he shouted in a sudden blind of fury, and before Linda could argue her point, he flung the penknife at her forcefully, as if he seriously intended for the blade to stick into any flesh of her body. She shrieked and fled the bathroom – the knife hit the wall and clattered noisily to the ground. Matt stood and slammed the door fiercely behind her. He leaned against the door and slumped to the floor, drawing his knees to his chest.

Matt buried his face in his knees and ignored the blood that was still seeping down his arm. He deafened himself and paid no heed to Linda's shouts outside the bathroom, begging for him to open the door and swearing she wouldn't tell a soul.

* * *

**A/N**: My first attempt at writing fanfiction. So? Please, please at least tell me something. Anything to be fixed and all? Like it? No? Yes maybe then? :o


	2. First Cut Is The Deepest

**Disclaimer**: I don't even know Japanese to begin with. Death Note is not mine.

**o0o**

**For The First Time**

**o0o**

**First Cut Is the Deepest**

It had been three days. It had been three days since Matt almost stabbed Linda with a flying penknife. He hadn't believed it when Linda promised quietly from outside the bathroom that she wouldn't tell anyone – he was convinced she would tell Roger, or L, for worry's sake or the kind, but it had been three days and nothing leaked. Matt opened the door only after Linda had left, finding a first-kit aid placed on the floor near the door – he had taken it, and he rarely seen her after that night. It was as if nothing had happened – except that Matt noticed the few anxious glances Linda threw his way when she thought he wasn't looking, and the uncomfortable expression she had on her face whenever he saw her around. Matt guessed she was avoiding him as so to not make him mad. It agitated him – why would she care to do that? Was she afraid? He'd pushed the theory away – Linda was always the stubborn one; 'afraid' didn't quite fit her, he knew – they had lived in the same orphanage for almost seven years after all. At times Matt thought she looked _worried_ in case he would do _it_ again. If so, he decided she was stupid. He had done it since months ago, and Mello had been harsher than Linda had when he caught him, unsurprisingly.

"One day you'd be killing yourself!" Mello had spat, seizing a razor from Matt's hand and throwing it away. At the time, Matt hated Mello. He knew, he knew what he was doing and he knew Mello was right. Yet it was hard to stop. Whenever Matt had his nightmare, the nightmare that dug up everything in his past that he loathed – the only thing he could think to do was to inflict a physical pain strong enough to cover the pain he felt in his heart. Injuring himself had been the closest because when he hurt himself, the pain on his flesh was intense and he would for a moment forget the pain inside. He decided he could cope with that kind of pain better, and as long as he kept his sleeves down, no one would know.

"Buggering thing." Matt kicked the pebbles on the ground uncaringly. He half-regretted the declination he made when Misa had invited him and Mello to go with her to pick a friend – Mello had agreed, saying he was in need of a whole new supply of chocolate bars. L had another arrangement in his schedule today, apparently.

Pushing a cigarette into his mouth, Matt glanced around the building. Sometimes, Wammy House seemed so lonely, no matter how he could hear noises the children unceremoniously made. Someday, Matt knew he would get out of this place – to where, he had no idea, but he would. He wished he wouldn't return.

He snorted when he thought of the line. He had never had a place to return to.

"Don't move, please…!"

Matt looked up.

"Near, you're doing a good job." Linda laughed.

"He's like a statue!" a small boy, Jamie, pointed out.

Standing motionlessly before Linda's canvas stand, Near leered sideway at the shorter boy. It seemed that he was giving Jamie a mini-glare – Near's version. Linda laughed again.

"They're volunteering to be Linda's models." A voice startled Matt from behind. He glanced at Julie as she came over to his side. "Interested?" she asked with a challenging smile.

"To stand without moving for hours? That's retarded." Matt retorted. "Unless there's a pay."

Julie shrugged and made a light run towards the children. Linda looked around after Julie said something to her ear. Matt didn't avert his gaze when Linda's eyes found him. He thought her face turned red, and she looked as if she didn't know how to acknowledge him.

Then Julie called out, "She says it's fine!"

Matt blinked.

As he remained static where he stood, Julie waved, nodding in encouragement.

Linda opened her mouth with a hesitant look, a paintbrush between her fingers. "Um, yeah. You can be my model." She said.

Immediately catching the ordeal, Matt walked over lazily.

"Julie's dead." He murmured.

**o0o**

"_That_ much is _too_ much, don't you think?" Sayu pondered, a thoughtful frown on her face.

Mello rolled his eyes and dropped yet another chocolate bar into the cart she was pushing. "I always brush my teeth, mom. Really." He drawled.

Narrowing her eyes, Sayu gave Mello's head a satisfying mess with her hands. Mello jerked away and threw her a nasty glare. Sayu held her head high, challenging. "I'm only a year older than you." she informed.

"Then stop acting like a hag."

Misa giggled. "You two are like a couple." She admired.

"He's short." Sayu remarked blatantly.

Mello glowered, tearing an unpaid chocolate bar and biting into it. "Give me a year. After that let's see who's the pygmy." He dared.

While they began another squabble, Misa smiled and picked the needed ingredients for making a chocolate cake – something she had promised L today.

When Misa told L she had invited Sayu to England, he hadn't objected. Although there was pretty much nothing left, Misa made sure not to lose contact with the Yagami family. She didn't want to 'leave' Light completely – not in the near future, and she figured that staying in touch with his only sister was the most convenient way of doing so.

"So this guy, L, is he a nice guy?" Sayu prompted as she turned to Misa.

Mello threw them a fleeting glance, before he seemed to decide to leave them alone. With the unpaid chocolate bar hanging in his mouth, he waltzed ahead without them.

Sayu only knew L as the man who had worked along with Light in pursuing Kira. Briefly, Sayu had the impression that L had indirectly avenged Light's death – who was 'murdered by Kira', by bringing the criminal to justice. No matter how they put it, it _was_ a lie, they knew, but Misa agreed that it was the time when 'Ignorance is blessing' could be used. To Sayu and Mrs. Yagami, Light was a hero.

"L is a good guy." Misa said.

Sayu smiled, pushing the shopping cart playfully in crank. "I'm glad you found a replacement – I don't mean he is some sort of, _replacement_, but I'm glad you found one." she said. "Someone who could be here, at least." she shrugged with a dismissive smile.

_Because Light couldn't_. Misa finished.

She wasn't going to tell Sayu the first cut is the deepest, because she supposed it would show.

**o0o**

"It rains!" Jamie jumped from the sofa and ran to the window with the other smaller children, pressing their face against the window as if they had never seen the pelting of water drops from the sky before.

Somehow, the first Matt thought of was Linda. He was surprised when Near stood from the floor he was lining his robots on and strolled out of the playroom. Without an explanation he could find, Matt shoved his gameboy into his pocket and followed.

When they were outside, L's car and Misa's car pulled up in front of Wammy's almost at the same time. The people who walked out from the cars watched as Matt and Near ran towards the tree where Linda was seen picking up her drawings.

Without a word, Matt collected the drawings he could reach as Near did exactly the same.

Linda seemed flabbergasted. "Thank you!" she passed in the heavy rain.

Neither of them answered.

With a puzzled frown, all three soaking, Linda continued collecting.

Having discarded the umbrella he was given when he walked out of the car, Mello ran to them and after he made a few rounds of jolly dancing, he helped in compiling the drawings high-spiritedly. Matt laughed. Mello had always loved the rain – he loved the rain extra when there were thunders and lightning along.

Linda screamed when all of a sudden Julie hugged her from behind, at the same time when a thunder struck. They laughed and hit each other, momentarily forgetting the task in hand.

L and Misa walked over under the same umbrella and soon, after Sayu threw her umbrella in the air and proceeded to half-help and half-dance, the field was filled with children running and screaming at the top of their lungs, joining in the rain feast.

In the end, L was reprimanded by Watari about the children catching a cold. Only two of Linda's drawings managed to be saved, yet she didn't seem to mind it as much as she had laughed knowing it.

**o0o**

One hand holding the tray of edibles, Misa knocked the door with her other hand.

"Careful where you're stepping. The bombs are still active." L deadpanned from inside.

Misa laughed. "Ryuzaki-san is developing a sense of humor." She observed as she walked in.

L's typing stopped and he closed his laptop when Misa placed the tray she brought onto the table. She smiled and pushed his swivel chair towards the table. "Chocolate cake." He muttered, a childish index finger already in his mouth.

Misa sat down across from him after she offered him his part of the cake. She watched L eat and as always whenever he tasted her handcrafted, she waited for his comments. "Well?" she coaxed, raising an eyebrow when L halted mid-lick of his thumb – which was covered with white frosting.

L looked up at her. "It's better." He said.

"Better?" Misa's brow furrowed mildly. Which meant the cakes she made before were…? "Please tell Misa more." She urged inquiringly.

"Every time you made one, it's better." L explained. "I'm wondering if you'll settle into opening a bakeshop." He thought aloud, stealing a strawberry from Misa's slice.

"Oh." Misa smiled. "Maybe Misa will make one for Ryuzaki-san every time he wants her to. Misa is here, yes?" she hinted.

At that, L seemed to give it a thought. Misa watched him eat in silence for a while, when he simply proceeded chewing without responding, his eyes on the cake.

When Misa opened her mouth, L said, "You could leave whenever you want."

Although it sounded abrupt, almost hurting in a way, Misa didn't take it negatively. She figured she had known L and his way better. "Why would you say that?" she asked.

L's eyes darted to the ceiling as he tilted his head slightly, a spoon in his mouth and between his slender fingers. "I've just remembered I never said that to you." he told. "I just want you to know nothing's holding you back. You are free of your own decision."

"Misa knows." Misa responded. She placed an elbow on the table and leaned her chin on her palm, regarding him casually. "What is this, Ryuzaki-san?" she asked.

L was about to open his mouth to answer that it was a spoon – as Misa started playing with her spoon in the cup of tea she brought along in the tray – when she continued,

"Are we friends? Or is Ryuzaki-san Misa's boyfriend and she is his girlfriend or is Misa a spoil of war?" she looked at him and he looked back. "Which is it?"

For a genius, a detective, it was a question L wouldn't know to answer even if he was given time. "You aren't a spoil of war." He decided to eliminate one of the presented situations. "I only thought about it once, but I did." He said, looking into her brown eyes. "I thought you liked me."

Misa smiled. She felt that she could have stood and kissed him right there and then, but he casually continued to eat, breaking the eye contact almost offhandedly. Or he was simply waiting for her reaction. "Misa does." She mouthed.

"But you like Light more." L mouthed back.

Misa sliced her piece of cake and spooned it into her mouth. "Yes." She chewed.

**o0o**

The playroom was crowded. Most of them were telling ghost stories – one from each, except for those who didn't have one, or weren't creative enough to invent one. As Matt listened, he decided Near's was the scariest. If Mello could change his voice to give life to the characters he was portraying, Near's voice didn't change _at_ _all_.

As Mello and the new girl – Misa's friend – Sayu began to argue about some plausibility of Mello's story, Matt dragged himself towards Linda by the corner. Her wide eyes seemed to widen more when she saw him.

"Hey." He mouthed.

Linda squirmed, smiling in a grimace. "Hi." She said.

"About before," Matt began, and Linda's eyes flickered to him and she seemed to quiver – he wasn't sure if she was scared or simply nervous or both and he couldn't precisely tell if it was because of him or the horror story that was lingering in the air. "I'm sorry." He forced the word out.

"Hmm?" Linda turned to face him completely. Matt opened his mouth again and she shook her head. "No, no. I heard you." she said. "I mean," she bit her lip, watching his face for a sign of unpredictable temper. "Please don't do it again – I mean I know you think I'm just a nosey-parker and maybe I am but I promise not to tell anyone so please don't – I mean, I mean…" she faltered, frowning desperately. Expressionlessly Matt waited, wanting her to finish. "You could get _really_ hurt." She whispered.

Matt didn't break their eye contact – even when she couldn't see his eyes behind the goggles he was wearing. "Why would you care?" he asked with no malice.

Linda pressed her lips together, seeming considering her words. "You could get really hurt." She repeated.

"You don't like me." Matt reminded.

Linda averted her eyes for a second, before returning to him. "Because _you_ don't like me." She told.

"_You_ don't like me. I never said I didn't like you in return."

"No. I don't like you because you don't like me."

"How did you know I didn't like you?" Matt challenged. "You've said aloud you didn't like me. I never did."

Linda opened her mouth with a frown, but she closed it back with a deeper frown. Then she opened it again, determined, only to close it confusedly for the second time. "You flirted with the other girls but you never looked my way." She accused.

All of a sudden, Matt couldn't help but copy Mello's smirk. He arched a curious eyebrow. "You _wanted_ me to look your way?"

Linda blushed. "That's – that's not what I meant."

"Yeah, well," Matt sighed and leaned against the wall beside her. Linda shifted anxiously, before she relaxed when he pulled out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. After a look his way, Linda dared herself to reach out and pulled the cigarette out of Matt's mouth. "I wasn't going to light it," Matt complained.

"That's the point. Cigarette isn't for chewing." Linda said, putting the tube of cancer away.

Matt almost laughed, but he settled to snorting and Linda smiled. He shrugged at Near and asked, "You seriously like him?" Linda half-glared at him with a reddening face and he shrugged. "I said I was sorry."

"You didn't say you won't tell anyone about it." she murmured.

Matt eyed her for a second. "Fine." He said. "You keep your mouth shut about me and I have no mouth to tell anything of yours." He suggested.

It took almost ten seconds for Linda to agree. "Deal." She said quietly. "But—"

"No buts." Matt cut in knowingly.

Linda frowned. "But you can't—"

"Look." Matt shut her, looking at her seriously. "What's more important? Your secret of crushing on the—" he rolled his eyes when Linda squealed quietly. "On the _thing_, or my creative tendency of carving on my own flesh?" he questioned offhandedly.

"You are more important." Linda answered unwaveringly. Matt was surprised, but he hid it before it showed on his face. "I think… I think I could deal with people knowing that I like Near – maybe he won't be as close as he is to me now if he knows, maybe he'd… be, oh I don't know." She frowned. "But I can deal with those than having you – you badly hurt."

All of a sudden Matt was impressed. "Do you realize you sounded so… _uncharacteristically_ naïve, just now?" he asked.

"Oh shut up." Linda said. Then, she looked at him with an expression that suddenly made Matt uncomfortable. "What made you do it?" she asked. Matt wanted to run away, but he knew it wasn't taking him anywhere. "It isn't going to help you, you know." She said softly.

Before Matt could open his mouth, a voice called in,

"Linda."

She turned and smiled brightly at Near.

"You could tell us a story." He suggested.

"Well," Linda beamed. "I suppose I could."

Matt thought she didn't notice him anymore, by then. He took out another cigarette and watched as she trudged to sit by Near to give them all a story.

* * *

**A/N**: There you go. Second chapter :)

Thank you goes to,

_**eleutheriac**_: I'm really glad you like it :D

_**Takiasmuse**_: Yay! You did check out my story! I'm on the way to finishing your 'A New Beginning'. I see you've updated the 20th chapter! Squee!

Thanks to those who put my story in their favorites too. If you've time... (which I'm hoping) leave me a line or two so I'd be more confident to continue! Advises and criticism count too! :)Top of Form


	3. Losing To Someone Who Is No Longer Here

**Disclaimer**: I'm John Connor's wife, not Tsugumi Ohba or Takeshi Obata. Possessing Death Note and struggling against conquering-the-world machines are two and very different things, you see.

**o0o**

**For The First Time**

**o0o**

**Losing To Someone Who Is No Longer Here**

"Matchmaking L and the model?" Matt droned.

"_Shush_…!" the rest of them – except for Mello, Near and Linda – hissed conspiratorially.

"The model's name is Misa, by the way." Linda reproached.

Matt remained stoic-face.

"So what do you think?" Sayu asked with a brimming smile. "I mean obviously they should be together!"

The rest of them – except for Mello and Near – nodded in agreement; murmuring and echoing the word 'obviously' under their breath with enthusiasm.

"So it's decided!" Sayu clapped her hands together. "Let's get everything in the kilter!"

While the room began to buzz noisily from their discussion, Matt let out the deepest suffering sigh. He leaned against the wall, staring at the sitting figures on the floor with utter boredom; to his dismay even Mello and Near found the idea inviting.

Matt glanced down when he felt someone's back pressing against his legs.

Linda stared up at him. "You—" she shifted and ended up tugging at Matt's trousers.

"They really are going down." he warned.

She half-laughed, releasing her grip on his trousers and craning around to him. "You look pale." she said, lowering her voice and frowning. Matt decided he wasn't going to like the topic. She said, "It's… because of the lost of blood, isn't it? You've been doing it again." she sounded disappointed.

_Goddamnit._ Matt looked up, pretending not to hear her.

"Matt." Linda pressed. When he refused to listen, she tugged at his trousers. "You're not mad, so you're just stubborn." she said.

Matt sighed and frowned, looking down at her. "Do you want to be thrown a knife again?"

"…No." Linda muttered. "Doesn't mean I can't try though."

"You're the stubborn one then."

"I told L."

Matt froze. He remained leaning against the wall stiffly, feeling his blood freezing and a new surge of anger rising inside. He stared down at Linda, sharply.

She wasn't looking at him.

"I told L yesterday." Linda mouthed, focusing on the small grasp of Matt's trousers she still had in her right fist. "He said – he said if I wanted to help, I _should_ help."

Swiftly Matt crouched down, almost knocking her to the floor. He grabbed Linda's arm and leaned close. "You said you wouldn't tell anyone." he hissed.

Linda frowned at the hard grip around her arm, but she looked demandingly back into Matt's face. "I was worried. I am worried." she said.

Matt tightened his clutch. "We're not friends. You're no one to me and I'm no one to you. You shouldn't tramp in." they stayed silent for a moment when he stopped talking and Linda didn't reply. His breathing was audible, heavy from anger. For a brief second Linda thought he was going to hit her. Then, Matt released his firm hold around her arm and distanced away. "I hate you." he said blankly, stood and left the room, ignoring the children's looks.

The children exchanged glances in silence as Julie crawled over to Linda. She touched Linda's shoulder from behind. "Hey? What is it?" she asked carefully.

Stiffly, without looking at them Linda pulled away from Julie's touch. She moved her hands and pressed them to her face, shaking as she cried.

**o0o**

_Art genius. Art genius. Art genius. Art genius._ Misa chanted the two words like a mantra. As soon as the knowledge that Linda was Wammy's art genius swarmed into her mind, a brilliant idea popped into Misa's mind. _Linda is going to paint Ryuzaki-san and Misa!_

Therefore she was touring the orphanage on the quest of searching for the art genius. She had just taken the next turn while humming one of her songs when she bumped into a person.

Misa gave a quiet squeal, surprised, and when she looked up she was regarded by a pair of murderous-looking emerald eyes. _Eep!_ Misa blinked, taking a step back. "Hi! Mello-kun!" she chirped with the hugest smile she could manage having on her face.

Mello didn't even snort. Expressionlessly he asked, "Have you seen Matt?"

"Um, nope." Misa shook her head. She asked, keeping the too-big smile, "Have you seen Linda?"

At that Mello seemed to be eyeing her carefully. Misa thought he looked like he was about to punch someone in the face – all too quickly she began to worry if Matt was going to be okay once Mello found him. "Linda's in the playroom. At least, two minutes ago when I was there." he answered.

"Oh." Misa mouthed. "Misa is going to the playroom then—" she paused to consider whether it was convenient to tell Mello that she was planning to get Linda to draw her and L, but before she could decide Mello had stalked past leaving her. Misa turned to give him a cheerful 'See you later!' but without turning to her Mello said,

"You think you can't forget about Yagami Light? You just don't want to let him go."

Misa's waving hand froze in the air and all the cheerful spirit she had a moment before seemed to drown. She felt cold as if Mello had just poured a bucketful of water onto her. And as if it wasn't enough, Misa heard Mello's voice continuing,

"Don't make a fool of L. If you want to stay, forget about Yagami Light – forget everything about him. Don't you think it's stupid? L is losing to someone who's no longer here."

As Misa remained standing where she was, watching Mello leave, unwillingly she sensed a surge of heat rising up her body from within as the tears gathered in her eyes, shortly followed by the feeling of a hard lump caught in her throat as she tried not to cry.

Misa wanted to scream out to Mello 'As if it's that easy! As if I hadn't tried!' and perhaps even run to him and slap him.

But she didn't. She remained standing where she was, watching.

**o0o**

It was quiet after what happened in the playroom. Although the rest of them had no idea of what actually happened, the spirit seemed to be swept away from everyone when Linda stood and ran out of the room, shortly followed by Mello who instead ran the opposite way from Linda – which would eventually lead to the room he and Matt shared.

Everything seemed to drone quietly for the rest of the day, uneventful and blurry. But when no one had seen Matt again until dinner, Roger began to take notice. Mello claimed to have searched through every place Matt would usually be and found none of the brunette's traces. Silently a tinge of fear clutched at Linda's heart and she almost cried again. It was her fault.

Then, when voices began to abound the cafeteria, when all of a sudden everybody began to speculate whether Matt had run away, Wammy House's gardener Quentin showed up carrying Matt in his arms, who was unconscious. Quentin looked puzzled, explaining he had found the boy lying alone on the field, already out cold for God knows how long when he discovered him.

Linda saw that Matt was extremely pale. Frantically she moved from her seat when she realized Roger was going to see the scars on Matt's flesh once he was sent to the infirmary but L walked past her and touched her shoulder as though indicating he was going to make sure everything was fine. Linda believed everything will be fine anywhere near L anyway, so she nodded quietly, sick with worry, and lowered down to sit back.

Linda felt herself shaking. Her head was light and she felt so weak, so terrified she might vomit. Maybe she had pushed her way too far after all. Maybe she had been too stubborn. Worst, she hadn't helped Matt at all. She couldn't see what she had helped him with at all.

"Linda?" Julie called worriedly when Linda pressed her hands to her face, shaking and struggling not to cry.

She didn't understand a thing about him and she insisted on _helping_.

**o0o**

Wammy House was, in many ways, beautiful. Sayu's first thought was life here would be horrible, but it wasn't. It was quite normal after all – only that for someone who had always clung to family like her, the thought of living without it was unthinkable.

To be honest, life without Light was – quite normal too. If she had to really think about what difference she noticed in the household now, Sayu would have to pick her father's expression every time Light was mentioned. She didn't get the one particular look Mr. Yagami would have on his face every time Light's name was spoken.

Light was perfect – it had showed long before he died but now, at times Sayu would catch a glimpse of look on their father's face that she believed she had mistakenly interpreted – because Mr. Yagami almost seemed disappointed, and she knew it couldn't be that way. Sayu herself was very, very proud of Light.

Sayu's thought drifted away from home the instant she saw Mello. "Hey! Short man on the tree!" she called out, well aware it would piss Mello off.

Sure enough, perched on a tree munching on a chocolate bar, Mello turned around to shoot Sayu a promising glare. He said, "Go away. It's my time of peace."

Already making her way to him, Sayu retorted, "No can do." she ducked under Mello's legs which hung from the branch he was perching on. Standing in front of him Sayu held out her hands toward him in the gesture that he should lift her up onto the tree, but Mello simply stared at her. His expression read 'Stupid'. So Sayu made a face at him and began to climb by herself. "Are you always this mean, Mello?" she sighed as she finally settled by his side.

"Only to those who annoy me." Mello deadpanned.

Sayu narrowed her eyes. The area was illuminated by the light from the lamp posts and by the half moon, Wammy's back door behind them left open. The field was empty but of crickets and somehow the distance it offered seemed so far away – green, trimmed grasses. Suddenly Sayu had the silly urge to run and roll around on them.

"Was that boy your friend?" Sayu asked after a while. "That unconscious boy the man brought in at dinner?"

Mello looked angry. He muttered, "He's not my friend. He's a cow."

Sayu nodded. "I see. A very cute cow then." she said. Mello made no response, his emerald eyes glowering ahead. "You're a liar." She finally pointed out. "You're actually worried."

At that, Mello chewed on his chocolate bar in a mean way – which was savagely – as if it was annoying him. "Well, congrats for figuring that out, genius." He snarled.

They were silent for another moment. Sayu swung her dangling legs slowly while Mello continued harassing his chocolate bar. It was when an idea popped into her mind that Sayu spoke again. She claimed, "I can predict the future."

"Really." Mello deadpanned, not bothering himself to give Sayu as much as a sideway glance.

"Yeah," Sayu sniffed, placing her hands on her lap carefully. She smiled mischievously at Mello. She said, "In the next five seconds you'll blush."

At that she did get Mello's attention. "I never blush." he drawled.

"Really." Sayu deadpanned.

With an irritated frown, Mello turned to face her, ready to argue.

That was when Sayu leaned over to kiss Mello lightly on his right cheek.

Mello's eyes widened and he jerked away, the chocolate bar in his hand almost slipping from his grip. Sayu smirked triumphantly. "What the—" he swore.

And blushed.

**o0o**

Surprised was no longer the word when L saw Misa on his bed that night. She had done it a few times before even when they were still in Japan, but it was the first time since they were here.

Even when she was lying on his bed with the cerulean cover wrapped over her, her blond hair loose, make-up free, she still looked like she was in the commercial for bedding.

As L reached over to switch off the lamp, Misa pushed herself from the bed and pulled him. It wasn't that he was surprised, but L simply let her, and he fell onto the bed with her clinging to him from behind, snuggling against his back.

"Misa." he called, already feeling awkward.

"Ryuzaki-san _has_ to get comfortable with people touching him!" Misa insisted. Lying on his side, L didn't dare to move when he felt her face stretching into a smile. Misa giggled at his silence. "Say something." she nudged her head into his back.

L blinked. "I feel… someone's lips smiling and someone's head pushing against my back." he reported.

Misa laughed and L stiffened. He could feel Misa's body vibrating against him. Touching and messing his head had at first been _hell_ for him – and now she seemed to think they should go to the next stage; cuddling.

But after a while of silence, L did allow himself to relax. Misa heaved out a complacent sigh.

"Misa wanted to ask Linda to draw Ryuzaki-san and Misa this evening." she told. "And then something happened… Misa forgot to find her." her voice lowered, and L had a mental image of her closing her eyes, somehow tiredly. Then she asked, "What happened to Matt?"

L didn't respond for a while. He didn't want to, actually. "A lot of time," he began finally, his voice faintly weary instead of as monotonous as usual. "People try to find ways to relieve their pain. Matt chooses to cope a little differently – of course, there are others who choose the same way… let's just stop at 'Matt chooses to cope a little differently'." He decided.

"Ryuzaki-san didn't really answer Misa's question." Misa pointed out. "But Misa hopes Matt is alright."

"He will be. He needs a lot of rest, for now."

"Hmm." Misa responded. Then, all of a sudden she changed the topic. "Misa is trying, you know. Misa thinks – she thinks she wants to stay with Ryuzaki-san, so she is trying… To forget."

The data-processing that had been working fluently in L's mind seemed to stop and his brain seemed to shut down literally. L stared at his laptop on the table ahead. "I know." He said.

Nodding, Misa sighed contentedly and snuggled closer. She kept one arm around L's waist and she moved the other to 'draw' on his back.

Whatever they said – whatever Mello said – L knew she was trying. That was enough, for now.

Misa smiled. She drew the two words she had seen hovering over L's head with her shinigami eyes before.

L Lawliet

Over and over again.

But then,

"Please stop that." L asked less than a minute afterward.

Being cut abruptly from her musings by his monotonic voice, Misa pursed her lips childishly and dragged her fingers to draw more vigorously on his back.

L squirmed, before realizing his mistake.

"Hah!" Misa squealed. "Ryuzaki-san is actually _ticklish_!" she made a discovery.

And when the ex-model began to laugh, evilly, L knew he wasn't getting any sleep he intended to get that night.

* * *

**Author's Note**- Hi, sorry for the late update. Supposedly you don't care about my lame excuse but just so you know… I've been busy. lol

To make up for that, I'll tell you one tiny winy spoiler.

Light's going to make a comeback! Isn't that sweet…? o.O

Oh, I saw this story 'Coke and Sundae' by BlueCandle where L loses his memory and is a 'different' person afterward? LOL, how true that could be! My cousin's son (who's a year younger than me) got into an accident and lost his memory and really, he was a CHANGED personality then. Before the accident he was overconfident (so I won't lie, he's fairly good looking and smart too, but that makes a guy seem cocky don't you think?) but the amnesiac-him was reserved and overly shy. I couldn't stop scoffing at his politeness XD but, he's all fine now, regained his memory back and is chasing one of my another cousin (who's his age) because back when he was in the hospital, that another cousin was the one who had taken care of him. I asked him, "Why the sudden interest?" because he had never paid any attention to that cousin of mine before the accident – and he said, "I've just realized… that she's actually curvy." Yeah, no kidding. The word that he kept saying in the hospital before he even woke was 'Sara'. When we told him about it, people swear he looked shocked, but who that 'Sara' was remains a mystery. He refuses to say anything about her, even to his parents – he's good at avoiding that topic. He changes the topic, pretends to misunderstand what we're questioning about, or compliments us out of the blue… We sort of gave up. To summarize, I don't understand him. He's a good brother and son and friend, but when it comes to boy-and-girl relationship – you never see him take it seriously. When that another cousin of mine told him he _kicked_ her while he was semi-conscious on the hospital bed (sort of struggling over something), he faked a remarkable surprised look and happily said, "I _kissed_ you?"

Nuff ranted. Originally I just couldn't contain my excitement over BlueCandle's story, XD

_Beloved Reviewers-_

_**Rei-Chan**_ - Yeah that's what I'm trying to capture, hopefully I do fine... and I'm pleased you like the story :)

**_Vox Nihili_** - Yay! Cookie! :D

**_Takiasmuse_** - Hey thanks :D I haven't been in for quite a while (currently just to update the story) so I haven't browsed through your story yet, coming up!

_**ActionFry**_ - Short and broken... I think I get what you're saying (after I checked it all through again), so thanks for mentioning; I'm trying! o.O

**_Artemis Day_** - Update! :D


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